Worst Footballer Homes

The latest KICKTV top 5, dropping Friday, looks at the very best football cribs. Here, we look at the ‘baller properties that aren’t quite as glamorous.

Everybody loves to see exactly how footballers spend their exorbitant wages on gigantic homes that most of us will never be able to afford. But it’s also nice to see that world class players don’t always live in homes with indoor swimming pools, gold toilet seats and annexes for “the help.”

As a palette cleanser for our Top 5 greatest footballer homes, here’s a few that aren’t quite as exciting for big-time realtors…

Luis Boa Morte

The premise of MTV Cribs is to give you a glimpse behind the velvet rope of celebrity lifestyle. To see the incredibly lavish homes of the super-wealthy, while noting the crazy and unnecessary luxuries they live with. Look: Ozzy Osbourne has urinals in his bathroom! Tommy Lee keeps sharks in his underground studio/party space! Shaquille O’Neal has a nuclear research facility in his shoe closet!

Well, the Cribs dream didn’t quite pan out when they went to Luis Boa Morte’s house.

The Portuguese winger had a long Premier League career. He won the double with Arsenal and won 28 caps with his national team. Despite this, he rocks up to his house in a Vauxhall Corsa—the kind of car a teenager might get from their parents on their 17th birthday—and shows us round a completely average house in Surrey. The whole thing would probably fit inside Ozzy Osbourne’s bathroom.

When the best thing you have to show off in your house is your Meet the Parents DVD, you probably shouldn’t be on Cribs.

Shola Ameobi

Former Premier League striker Shola Ameobi also had the pleasure of appearing on Cribs to show the world his $700,000 home in Jesmond, a small suburb north of Newcastle.

It certainly has more “wow factor” than Boa Morte’s cookie cutter family home, but it’s not exactly huge. Clearly, the modest European style of living cannot compare to the bombastic American properties that typically appeared on the MTV show.

He’s also painfully boring when describing his possessions in his monotone drawl. Case in point: “I love wearing hats, lots of shapes and sizes of hats that I love wearing, just different sizes and colors really.” Please Shola, tell us more about hats!

But the main reason that Shola makes this is that he’s a terrible, terrible home owner. In 2009, he called the police because he believed his house had been broken into. Several items were reportedly missing, including his check book.

However, it turned out that he hadn’t been burgled at all. His house was so messy that he thought there had been a break-in.

That must have been some party. We’d hate to see what kind of state his super-impressive collection of hats was in.

Phil Neville

At the polar opposite end of the scale to Luis Boa Morte’s nondescript is the grandiose 18th-century Grade II-listed mansion that Phil Neville converted to look like a cheap off-strip Las Vegas casino. It was called Sunnyside House and it became the benchmark for the stereotypical footballer home. Because it was bloody awful.

The $5.6m Lancashire home went up for sale in 2008, allowing us to see garish decorations, monogrammed Versace carpets, 10-seater sofas, arcade slot machines, gilt-framed football shirts and huge front gates with the letters “J” and P” on them. Presumably, the new owners would also need to have the initials “J” and “P”.

Essentially, P-Nev’s house looked like the kind of thing you would expect an evil African dictator to live in.

Despite the garish decorations, the Nevilles managed to sell that house before moving into a much more tasteful mansion, which they put up for sale last year as Phil focussed on making Valencia fans angry. He also owns a very snazzy Manchester apartment that is available for rent if you have an obscene amount of cash to spare.

Samir Nasri

Home Sweet Home

A photo posted by Samir Nasri (@samnasri8) on

French footballer Samir Nasri lives the good life. Yes, he’s been punted out of the French national team and he’s on the fringes at Manchester City, but he’s pulling in those Manchester City wages and he lives the life of luxury with his glamorous partner Anara Atanes.

However, their house might not be that great. The former Arsenal midfielder recently published an Instagram picture with the caption “Home Sweet Home.” It depicted him sitting on a shiny silver couch in front of a neon-lit staircase and bar.

So yeah. Samir Nasri lives in a strip club. Either that, or he decorated this house to look exactly like one.

And let’s not even get started on those leather pants—has he never even seen Friends?